Magickal Realism

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In the last two weeks, I have to confess, I’ve been getting kind of sick of doing the morning pages. And the posts. And, because I was feeling a bit defeatist about them - not every Artist’s Date works out, because there is a blind dating factor to trying anything new - kind of sick of the artist’s dates. I recognize that this is my own self-sabotage rearing its head.

Since starting this, I’ve released one pdf book that I was genuinely scared about because it was so far out of my comfort zone,  written close to 12,000 words on the Urban Wicca book and thought of a fresh approach to the book on Divorce (the one I started this whole process to get to, which seems to be backburnered for other reasons but at least seems like a fresh and interesting project to me now.) I also have starter seeds down for an essay on mirrors and why I fear them, and a possible horror-fiction novel where the protagonist is the monster. I may possibly also be writing a fair bit of porn to release over on asstr.org under a pseudonym.¹

I’m healthier, I’m eating more consciously, my energy levels are normal to high, it turned out I personally know two competent reiki practitioners, and I’m over my guilt for writing and enjoying writing fanfic.

Also since starting this process, I’ve moved, I’ve gotten back “the feeling” that made Wicca a good practice for me in the first place, Joel is now my full working partner², I have been freed from responsibilities that were onerous and unrewarding and I have become more free and less embarrassed by my bizarre art/glue/cutting schtick and willing to pursue clothing reconstruction and related interests more. I’ve always been a woman of 1000 interests, but now they feel possible.

My business has taken a small hit from my relative neglect, and I suspect that as I keep working over the next 3-6 months I will at last achieve the right balance there, as well. I love designing perfume, and like other perfumers, I have doubts about my work that you just have to choose to set aside to create something amazing, and you also have to accept that not everything will work out as you like. My inner perfume critic is a different beast from my other inner critic.

After reading the bibliography/recommended reading, I also realize that there was a definite Pagan component to the Artist’s Way - there’s a lot of Starhawk in next to the Baghvad Gita. Again, atheists are kind of hosed using this work, but I do feel like a magical companion to the artist’s way might be well within range - I’m making notes as I go, especially after that wild energy clearance last July. I know things about myself now that I didn’t before.

So with that, I do my final check-in, and I will be signing and scanning in my follow-up contract later today - or this week.

1. I did 6 out of 7 Morning pages this last week. On Saturday I skipped out because I got up late and I wanted to get Mike over to the Mill City farmer’s market so he could see what I’ve been on about for weeks.

2. I did a cemetery walk for my artist’s date, and at first, it started as one of those blind dates gone wrong. The cemetery closest to where I live is one of those all flat-in-the-ground budget cemeteries that curiously takes you down a southern route that mysteriously deposits you somewhere to the northwest. Aside from the weird directional vortex, eh. Then I drove over to Lakewood cemetery where the experience was much more satisfying although finding a place to park was odd. Cemeteries are truly peaceful places; they helped me a lot when I was a teenager mourning for a friend, and they help me now because they are the only space where I have a guarantee I won’t be haunted. ((I will write about my haunting experiences later, because for me it’s become an increasingly internal experience that resembles but doesn’t quite match that thing where your cognition leaps to unpredictable places.) I have pictures I need to upload. I got the sense I should leave for the day, but that I wasn’t finished.

3. Most of my synchronicity this week involved a streak of highly convenient parking spaces.

4. I think my resistance to continuing this is the issue significant to my recovery. Clearly, I’m not done - I just want to be. There are other places where this pattern has manifested, and it’s definitely a learned behavior starting in childhood.

I’ll stick with it. I’ve gone too far not to.

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1. I know my sister would like to read my porn, but I think she’s better off not knowing my kinks. I will let her see the vanilla stuff. [↩]
2. that partnership has  been just shy of a decade in the making because I needed to grow up [↩]

So, for the Artist’s Way, my cluster (xiane, digitalmayhem and miscellaneaarts) has agreed to do a reset to chapter 6 - I moved, another person had surgery, one went on vacation and one struggles with depression. Your life starts moving when you do this path, and sometimes the road itself starts shaking like a rogue carpet.

Given how half-assed my artist’s dates have become, I’m glad of the reset.  I’d like to hit some museums I haven’t been to in the area, and now that I’m slightly more transportation-challenged as I figure out my way around this new corner of the city (and now that Mike is working 4 days a week at his corporate job) it’s gotten a bit harder to get to the intriguing stuff.

So we’re restarting at the abundance chapter, which is the one that really jump starts the creativity. I’m already finding details I missed.

I’m already walking farther and more - it gets exhausting having to keep my guard up all the freaking time, and it’s nice to know if I make eye contact with a passerby the only exchange will be “hello.”

I guess I need to dig through the Downtown Journal, the City Pages and some of those local free papers. It’s where I always wind up finding the cool stuff.

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