Magickal Realism

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I actually had a wonderful day yesterday, blessed with Joel’s companionship, a lot of writing getting done, hilarious visuals and dinner while watching the sunset through my balcony window. The calm, gentle flow, however, was disrupted by something happening that was beyond my control as I discovered from an email message that evening. It began a full on anxiety attack, and I could actually feel the anxious, prickly energy ball flowing from me and blocking brain cells, respiratory system and my ability to receive incoming energy. The brown-orange energy was sent to smother or bury the thread, and it’s unfortunate side effect is that it also smothers me.

My first response was to try to “fix” it even though, if I’d stepped back, I would have known it was beyond my control. My next was to look for some reassurance in the tarot cards, also counter-productive in this situation. I did manage to remove myself, sit down, watch some TV and go to bed with relatively little fretting.

As I did my morning pages this morning, I looked at the anxiety and what it does to me. I suspect there may be some jealousy at the way I appear to be “booking through” the Artist’s Way material, and the reason it’s been happening is because I’ve actually been hiding from my biggest blocker, and realizing it’s been trying to creep up on me for awhile: anxiety, stress, an exaggerated sense of urgency. My boyfriend and I have adjusted my entire lifestyle because anxiety has so debilitated me.

Anxiety qualities were consistently demanded of me in corporate life, and it did a lot to block the creative impulses for which I was usually hired. If I didn’t act completely panicked about every single task, I was reported as “not showing enough urgency.” Of course, if I did rush everything, I was subjected to patronizing lectures about “slowing down and focusing on quality” from the very person who complained about my initial “lack of urgency.” It occurred to no one that “urgency” means somewhere higher up in the organization someone planned very poorly and did not do task division correctly.

Ultimately, for me, this means that the very thing that motivates my desires for security - fear, let’s be honest - is the thing preventing me from effecting those changes. When I get anxious about something, I end up becoming a hamster on a wheel on a cage. At least when you put the rodents in those plastic walk balls they have a chance of going somewhere, even if they do land on their noses sometimes.

But given how much energy clearing and releasing just doing the morning pages has been for me, it was very clear and easy to read what anxiety was doing in my aura. Six months ago I would have known I was anxious, but I wouldn’t have recognized exactly how and where it was affecting my interaction with the universe. And so, as I sat down to my morning pages today, I at last developed my own anxiety-management plan, realizing that the things I am anxious about are not meant to be acted upon while I am in a state of anxiety. And since I work for myself, I’m allowed to take care of my mental state before diving into any project.

And so, with the help of Good Orderly Direction, aka God, (Eros) I put together a plan:

1. Step AWAY from the tarot cards.

If my energy is blocked, tarot cards won’t do me much good because blocked energy is the equivalent of doing divination for a TV when it’s stuck on freeze frame. Kind of useless.

2. Meditate as soon as possible.

The first thing I have to address is the emotional state. Meditation can help me work through that in a physical way in order to reach my emotional state.

3. Use energy unblocking exercises.

The Middle Pillar is GREAT for that.

4. If it’s still a mess, pray and use spellcraft.

5. AFTER all that, coolly survey the situation to determine what you can do. Then, move on with it.

So there I have my anxiety-handling formula to prevent anxiety from blocking my creative nature. It was a lovely, very helpful round in the morning pages. Thank you, Eros.

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