Magickal Realism

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This week was one of the weeks where I didn’t like the work so well. I did it, but it wasn’t something I enjoyed, and I realized why: as one tarot reader pointed out years ago, somehow I trained myself out of dreaming, and much of the exercises involved making our fantasies a reality. As always the things I don’t want to do are the big indicators of where my blocks are. When you’re me and you spend more time solving problems and things you perceive as problems, you just don’t spend a whole lot of time on good fantasies. The time spent among Pagans hasn’t helped this: so many are completely lost in fantasy to the unhealthiest degree, and seeing this and wanting things to happen, I usually sacrifice my own flights of fancy to make things happen. I came to realize this year that there’s no payback from the Pagan community for this - I have served the Pagan community, but the Pagan community has not really served me. Certainly, individuals have, and I cherish those friendships. But community volunteering and coven experience as a whole does not feed my soul, it depletes it. I used to think Mike’s statement “If it stops being fun, stop doing it!” was terribly shallow, but I’m actually seeing some depth in it now, because I get it. People have commented that I don’t play, and it’s been an offset because I see so many people playing way- WAY too much. If I’m going to quit comparing myself to people, I’m also going to have to quit offsetting their excesses. If I’m in a mood to play, I’ll play. I’ve been very adamant about not spending this life as a Mommy so my mommying needs to stop.

1. Morning Pages: I did them daily. I wish I could be so consistent with my workouts. They’ve been wandering a bit more than before, in part because I’ve been doing them after being awake longer and because I’m not journaling at night as much as I once did. The night journaling is still important, of course. I’m even doing morning pages on days I expressly don’t want to do morning pages.

2. I did do my artist’s date. It was much lower-key than last week’s. Basically, I had an awesome Pumpkin Spice Latte (HarMar Mall Barnes and Noble makes the best ones, and better yet, no corn syrup!), went through a ginormous stack of magazines and the wandered around Har Mar mall. HarMar is, as one person described it, “where local businesses go to die.”¹  Most of those are gone, but the chains still hang on quite well. It’s less crowded than any other mall in the area, and while I’m heartily annoyed TJ Maxx moved out, I still find most of what I need/want in that mall if I have to go to a retail store to shop instead of going online.

3. I have had minor synchronicities, but nothing I can think of that was really a standout.

4. Issues significant to recovery: I’m coming back to thoughts on my body, and my obsessive organization. My organization is definitely a behavior I’m sticking with: it’s saved me so much money and time since I started doing it. I’m still learning how to take care of myself without being constantly, punishingly tough on myself. And not being so tough has not done what I’d feared: I’m not soft and lazy, I am getting things done, and I’m quietly enjoying the activities and people I enjoy. While I’m a bit lonely, it’s not cripplingly so, and my friends understand that I don’t have the funds or transportation for a social life - which I knew I would be sacrificing when Mike and I went down to owning one car, and which I do not regret, especially given the cost of a car these days. Joel’s little dates with me also help a lot, especially since Mike is in a research crunch right now.

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1. This is changing very soon. Har Mar has leased their old movie theater space to a Staples store that is bringing quite a bit of business with it, and my own alma mater is opening up an extension branch there. [↩]