Magickal Realism

07
Sep

Chapter 7 Check in: Recovering a Sense of Connection

author: Diana Rajchel category: Artists_Way

1. Yes, I did 7 out of 7 pages on the Artist’s Way. It’s been getting harder - I’m getting into the much more deeply entrenched psychological stuff, along with an impending sense of stress as fall business gears up. I don’t know if I’ve daydreamed creative risks - in my case, the risk involves pursuing interests of things I know I’m not good at, like sewing and sketching. I’m even eyeballing a community ed sewing class - I’m thinking I could learn some great stuff if I don’t have emotional trauma attached to it. As for coddling my inner child…sorta? If you read my Artist’s Dates entries my inner child may have more mature tastes than I do. Seriously, what kid actually asks for vegetables? I think she’s just glad I’ve once again let her drop her membership in the clean plate club.

2. Yes, I did my artist’s date and there was nothing half-assed about it. I opened up myself to the universe and the universe took me on a journey. The date itself was a risk: nothing is more lowbrow than a mall, and given the - usually fair - tendency of all the artists I know to look down on the Mall of America my choosing it at all for an Artist’s Date was pretty risky. I let my inner child send the middle finger to my inner snob, and I wound up on the most gratifying artist’s date yet.

3. Oh yes, there was quite a bit of synchronicity. Mike coming home just as my house blessing candle finished burning. Finding a primo parking space within seconds of trying on some brujeria good luck oil. Finding coupons for my artist’s date as I sat down for lunch. It’s happening more and more!

4. I’m getting into the phase of my recovery that’s the hardest for me. Connection is difficult, because while I’m outwardly pretty tough, I’m really sensitive underneath it all and my strategy for protecting myself is frequent withdrawal, especially since there are - now much fewer - so-called friends who use my “toughness” as an excuse to be verbally abusive with me because “I can take it.” There’s a big difference between delivering hard truth and subjecting a person to bullshit as a result of not having done your homework. Since I keep a lot more to myself than most people realize, and I tend to keep more information than I realize from myself, the end result is that I’m rarely fully authentic with anyone. I’ve been making strides in this area, though - I have been engaging more and spending more time with as we’re able people I consider very positive influences, and drifting from those who at this point are much better off with me out of the picture. I only have room for a certain amount of people that use me as a mirror, and right now my narcissist’s gallery is completely full.