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In the next 6 months, I will do the following to nurture myself:

1. Stick with my weekly beauty regiment that includes a facial, body scrub, vegetarian meal and when possible a chick flick.

2. I will re-enroll in bellydance class wherever I can find and afford it.

3. I will spend a little time outdoors every day it is safe to do so.

4. I will keep attending library lectures and programs because I really enjoy them.

5. I will read more fiction.

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Hi, I’m Di, and I’m a workaholic. I’m even typing this while sniffling embarrassingly from a head cold. Clearly, I have some conditioning to overcome, along with a new attitude to develop that translates into English as “do it yer damn self!”

This chapter was hard for me. Harder than I expected going in.

1. I did do 7 out of 7 on my morning pages. Reading my pages hasn’t changed my writing – I just have to let my brain do its thing, and work on coordinating between mind, body and schedule.

2. I did do my artist’s date – I went to the Como Zoo and conservatory because I wanted to get to the Como Zen Garden before it’s closed for the winter. I got lots of pictures and I had a bizarre day-of-the-dead experience that I decided not to participate in fully.

3. I guess my day of the dead trippiness? It’s been a rough week and I’ve been depressed for most of it- I tend to not notice magical happenings when I’m depressed.

4. I really do need to take more breaks to just play, and I need to trust myself not to overdo it. I was surprised in the 7 deadlies exercise how often alcohol came up – I don’t drink often and hardly to excess. However, I discovered long ago that alcohol puts me in a complete state of creative and psychic shut down. There were times in college when my psychism was really reawakening where I was grateful for this, but onto my adulthood where I’ve accepted my ghosts both inner and outer, alcohol does nothing but take time and ability away from me. I won’t quit drinking altogether, and I’m always turned off by people who insist it be central to a social activity (I prefer simple companionship and maybe light physical activity be central.) However, unless I know there’s no chance of me being creative – and since I write for fun, too – I just won’t drink anymore.

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I’m still casting around for the right blog look – something fun, without the overbearing nature imagery you see on most perfume blogs. Something that meets both my technical and aesthetic needs.

For the moment, it’s this. But we’ll see where it goes in the future.

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I hope I never have to do this again.

For Ronan Dewayne:
I am a prayer to the heavens
and I am a prayer to the Earth.
I am a prayer to the Old ones, to living, the dying and birth.
There will be moments of mourning
and there will be moments of tears.
And in each of these sorrows
we have the glory of facing our fears.
This world gives you glory and honor.
This world gives you sorrow and pain;
What there is is all we we can offer
should you wish to dwell here again.

Anointing oil for a funeral – recipe:

5 ml olive oil

5 ml sesame oil

12 drops benzoin

7 drops myrrh

9 drops frankincense

7 drops rose leaf tincture

8 drops yarrow

Son of son and king of kings
lay to rest as the harvest sings
It is through you that we survive
and by you that we are alive -
When you came we were blessed,
and you passed through this life a welcome guest.
The Good Ones have you, the Neighbors hold
we give you to them – be brave! be bold!
We must grieve you,
we must let go -
In another season, please come back, there is great love to know

- I created all of this today.

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Things that give me a sense of comfort:

1. Watching Finnian’s Rainbow

I got rid of the last VHS I had of it because I got rid of my VCR. I really need to buy it on DVD.

2. A new piece of clothing

This goes back to my childhood where it was really difficult for me to find clothing that fit. Clothes that do fit to this day give me a powerful self-esteem boost; it’s why I’m so interested in fashion despite how paradoxical that may seem.

3. Rainbows

4. Sex

It helps that I’m picky about who I have sex with, so for me it’s a safe and loving expression. I don’t get off on situations where I’m not totally comfortable.

5. Silk, satin or linen between my fingers.

6. Rich, spicy smells.

The perfumes I wear myself often have coffee and frankincense in them. I went through a phase where it was clove all the time.

7. Bright, magenta leaves in fall.

It’s like they’re the punk rock Granny of the trees.

8. Daria, Buffy, Doctor Who

9. Cuddles

10. Dancing

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Yes, I did do 7 out of 7 days on my morning pages. I hope this dedication will soon translate to my workout schedule – it’s not about discipline, it’s about head space. I have started taking it easier on myself – I don’t get mad that every project I have isn’t done to total completion by midnight. I’m slowing down. I’m taking my time. I’m fixing old mistakes. In short, I’m doing everything that my employment history had trained me out of doing.

I did do my artist’s date this week, I went to the Midtown Global market, but I found it wholly unsatisfying. Unless you go there  to eat a lot or to attend one of their special events/community classes – and the restaurant variety/community stuff really is cool – it just doesn’t offer that much.  Shop planning there is very haphazard, and there’s the whole issue of “imported crap from China” dotting all the booths regardless of their country of origin. I’m pacifying my inner child with a small Daria-thon, letting her shirk some work for a little while.

I did experience some synchronicity, though I think I may have created it. It’s a whole thing with the Goddess Bast and her relationship to perfume. I’ll tell you all more when I know where that’s going. I’m pretty turned off by Kemetic religion these days, but that’s not the gods’ fault.

There were issues – where I was hard on myself, where I had to face that I’d just plain been a complete jerk to people because of some intellectual elitism, and I even had to have a little talk with Mike about his elitism – there’s nothing wrong with not having knowledge; it’s only a problem if you’re proud of your ignorance or perpetually insistent on a single point of view. It came down to having compassion for a person who was gifted with different circumstances and abilities than we had. I don’t think either one of us should apologize for our education or intelligence – I have worked ceaselessly since my kindergarten teacher almost put me in the “slow kids” section¹ to get the most I can out of what brain power I was given and getting my bachelor’s degree came down to a tooth-and-nail fight I’m proud I won. But, when it comes down to it, we’re both privileged and there were certain circumstances laid out for us to make that path easier – Mike moreso than mine, but I did have moments of advantage depending on the prejudices and quirks of my high school teachers  ((and also moments of distinct disadvantage, like when Mrs. Thannholdt decided that I was a path to whatever the fuck her vendetta against my father was.))

I’m forgiving myself more, and letting myself have my feelings. For me, this takes a lot of work. I’m also a little scared about this week’s coming work: my addictions are rife and hard to manage, and I’m finally going to have to deal with them in the light of truth. Scary stuff.

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1. because I daydreamed to much [↩]

I’m having this new epiphany series about listening to my soul/my inner artist after a second disappointing Artist’s Date. The Midtown Global market? Amazing for food. The shops, however, are starting to drag – it’s a lot of boring state fair crap right now. And while I need to eat and I enjoy cooking, my inner artist is pretty much more interested in the creation process than it is in the food.

So, despite my intention of doing my Chapter 9 check-in and moving on since I’ve already read chapter 10 and I’m ready to dig in to some fresh material, I got a nudge on the Creative U-Turns.

Oh yeah. I was avoiding that.

My avoidance tells me that it was definitely something I needed to deal with.

I have a lot of guilt about my U-turns.

I feel like I’ve let myself down and let down others. I feel like I’ve let down history.¹

Basically, my guilt revolves around all the things I haven’t finished. It’s because I got sucked in by the perspective that creative work wasn’t a positive contribution to society, and that artists were basically entitled freeloaders who wanted to goof off. It’s because I was delivered the message that my writing only mattered if it was for money, and writing wasn’t really art, it was craft. (Crap.) It’s because my “poems were stupid,” because I was “too young to really know what I was talking about,” or because I should “quit trying to be deep.” The support I got was peer encouragement from Devin and Marsha. Marsha, if you ever read this, I was a condescending bitch to you and I am truly and deeply sorry. You deserved better, especially with all the support you gave me. I never gave you credit for how creative you were yourself. You are creative, and your dreams are valid. I hope you pursue them at any time in your life.

The guilt I feel for myself revolves around all the things I didn’t finish. I say – and fake – like I’m ready for the world of success or failure, but when it comes to really stepping up to the big boys. I always run and hide instead. I even went to a tiny college that almost lost its accreditation in hopes of ducking competition because it “stressed me out.” This is not the choice of a self-confident creative.  I’ve been collecting rejection slips since I was 14; I feel sometimes like going with occult writing I’ve only done it to avoid the rejection slip tango even though I’ve still gotten a few for what very few book pitches I’ve done. The occult, however, is such a rarified subject that it’s easy to get short articles published (most of the time) although it can be very difficult to actually get paid for them.

So, my list of U-turns, i.e. for me regrets:

• Not completing manuscripts
• Not completing the manuscipt that a VERY big name publisher invited me to complete²
• Not creating a body of completed work to use in finding an agent
• Not completing my still-relevant screenplay
• Dropping out of grad school – the divorce was an excuse because I wanted to run away; I could easily have lived in Mankato and finished up if I’d chosen

Notice a theme here? For someone who forces herself to finish even the most boring book on the planet, I have a lot of neglected business running around.

Out of all of this, I am choosing to finish something. The screenplay is in its second draft. Books take a long time to write.This is where my writing of fanfiction comes in handy: every time I complete and upload a fanfic, I get a small emotional/hormonal reward from the sense of completion and the stray reviews I get. I use this energy then in my completely original projects, and it helps me finish. It also toughens me up when the ouch-delivery critics come out of the woodwork.

This morning when I grabbed my Artist’s Way book and notebook I somehow also grabbed the the Daria Database. I’m taking that as a hint.

Tags: iplant the seeds, artist’s way

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1. I’ve decided my crazed ego is probably a good thing because it comes up with truly hilarious ideas but I’d best let it run in the yard. [↩]
2. A lot of first time authors are asked to send in complete manuscripts for consideration. [↩]

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This seems a little unnerving for me to post on my blog, but I committed to blogging this experience, so here I go. My visualization exercise, to write about what I want as if it has already happened:

I am a published author. I write daily, sometimes from the road, as I tour and promote my book. I have a fantastic new wardrobe I bought with the proceeds from my first book and my agent and publicist field interview requests for me daily. Mike is really happy this has happened; life is great for us. We are both happy.

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I actually had a wonderful day yesterday, blessed with Joel’s companionship, a lot of writing getting done, hilarious visuals and dinner while watching the sunset through my balcony window. The calm, gentle flow, however, was disrupted by something happening that was beyond my control as I discovered from an email message that evening. It began a full on anxiety attack, and I could actually feel the anxious, prickly energy ball flowing from me and blocking brain cells, respiratory system and my ability to receive incoming energy. The brown-orange energy was sent to smother or bury the thread, and it’s unfortunate side effect is that it also smothers me.

My first response was to try to “fix” it even though, if I’d stepped back, I would have known it was beyond my control. My next was to look for some reassurance in the tarot cards, also counter-productive in this situation. I did manage to remove myself, sit down, watch some TV and go to bed with relatively little fretting.

As I did my morning pages this morning, I looked at the anxiety and what it does to me. I suspect there may be some jealousy at the way I appear to be “booking through” the Artist’s Way material, and the reason it’s been happening is because I’ve actually been hiding from my biggest blocker, and realizing it’s been trying to creep up on me for awhile: anxiety, stress, an exaggerated sense of urgency. My boyfriend and I have adjusted my entire lifestyle because anxiety has so debilitated me.

Anxiety qualities were consistently demanded of me in corporate life, and it did a lot to block the creative impulses for which I was usually hired. If I didn’t act completely panicked about every single task, I was reported as “not showing enough urgency.” Of course, if I did rush everything, I was subjected to patronizing lectures about “slowing down and focusing on quality” from the very person who complained about my initial “lack of urgency.” It occurred to no one that “urgency” means somewhere higher up in the organization someone planned very poorly and did not do task division correctly.

Ultimately, for me, this means that the very thing that motivates my desires for security – fear, let’s be honest – is the thing preventing me from effecting those changes. When I get anxious about something, I end up becoming a hamster on a wheel on a cage. At least when you put the rodents in those plastic walk balls they have a chance of going somewhere, even if they do land on their noses sometimes.

But given how much energy clearing and releasing just doing the morning pages has been for me, it was very clear and easy to read what anxiety was doing in my aura. Six months ago I would have known I was anxious, but I wouldn’t have recognized exactly how and where it was affecting my interaction with the universe. And so, as I sat down to my morning pages today, I at last developed my own anxiety-management plan, realizing that the things I am anxious about are not meant to be acted upon while I am in a state of anxiety. And since I work for myself, I’m allowed to take care of my mental state before diving into any project.

And so, with the help of Good Orderly Direction, aka God, (Eros) I put together a plan:

1. Step AWAY from the tarot cards.

If my energy is blocked, tarot cards won’t do me much good because blocked energy is the equivalent of doing divination for a TV when it’s stuck on freeze frame. Kind of useless.

2. Meditate as soon as possible.

The first thing I have to address is the emotional state. Meditation can help me work through that in a physical way in order to reach my emotional state.

3. Use energy unblocking exercises.

The Middle Pillar is GREAT for that.

4. If it’s still a mess, pray and use spellcraft.

5. AFTER all that, coolly survey the situation to determine what you can do. Then, move on with it.

So there I have my anxiety-handling formula to prevent anxiety from blocking my creative nature. It was a lovely, very helpful round in the morning pages. Thank you, Eros.

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This week was one of the weeks where I didn’t like the work so well. I did it, but it wasn’t something I enjoyed, and I realized why: as one tarot reader pointed out years ago, somehow I trained myself out of dreaming, and much of the exercises involved making our fantasies a reality. As always the things I don’t want to do are the big indicators of where my blocks are. When you’re me and you spend more time solving problems and things you perceive as problems, you just don’t spend a whole lot of time on good fantasies. The time spent among Pagans hasn’t helped this: so many are completely lost in fantasy to the unhealthiest degree, and seeing this and wanting things to happen, I usually sacrifice my own flights of fancy to make things happen. I came to realize this year that there’s no payback from the Pagan community for this – I have served the Pagan community, but the Pagan community has not really served me. Certainly, individuals have, and I cherish those friendships. But community volunteering and coven experience as a whole does not feed my soul, it depletes it. I used to think Mike’s statement “If it stops being fun, stop doing it!” was terribly shallow, but I’m actually seeing some depth in it now, because I get it. People have commented that I don’t play, and it’s been an offset because I see so many people playing way- WAY too much. If I’m going to quit comparing myself to people, I’m also going to have to quit offsetting their excesses. If I’m in a mood to play, I’ll play. I’ve been very adamant about not spending this life as a Mommy so my mommying needs to stop.

1. Morning Pages: I did them daily. I wish I could be so consistent with my workouts. They’ve been wandering a bit more than before, in part because I’ve been doing them after being awake longer and because I’m not journaling at night as much as I once did. The night journaling is still important, of course. I’m even doing morning pages on days I expressly don’t want to do morning pages.

2. I did do my artist’s date. It was much lower-key than last week’s. Basically, I had an awesome Pumpkin Spice Latte (HarMar Mall Barnes and Noble makes the best ones, and better yet, no corn syrup!), went through a ginormous stack of magazines and the wandered around Har Mar mall. HarMar is, as one person described it, “where local businesses go to die.”¹  Most of those are gone, but the chains still hang on quite well. It’s less crowded than any other mall in the area, and while I’m heartily annoyed TJ Maxx moved out, I still find most of what I need/want in that mall if I have to go to a retail store to shop instead of going online.

3. I have had minor synchronicities, but nothing I can think of that was really a standout.

4. Issues significant to recovery: I’m coming back to thoughts on my body, and my obsessive organization. My organization is definitely a behavior I’m sticking with: it’s saved me so much money and time since I started doing it. I’m still learning how to take care of myself without being constantly, punishingly tough on myself. And not being so tough has not done what I’d feared: I’m not soft and lazy, I am getting things done, and I’m quietly enjoying the activities and people I enjoy. While I’m a bit lonely, it’s not cripplingly so, and my friends understand that I don’t have the funds or transportation for a social life – which I knew I would be sacrificing when Mike and I went down to owning one car, and which I do not regret, especially given the cost of a car these days. Joel’s little dates with me also help a lot, especially since Mike is in a research crunch right now.

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1. This is changing very soon. Har Mar has leased their old movie theater space to a Staples store that is bringing quite a bit of business with it, and my own alma mater is opening up an extension branch there. [↩]