I’m going to preface this by saying that in my path to creating a sense of abundance, I really have to undo a lot of messages embedded into my being about scarcity. This was a highly volatile week, and on top of it, I’m stressed out over a move where Mike and I must take stock of every single thing we own along with very expensive things we need, raising my guilt about the fact that he’s supporting me despite a pretty clear demonstration that my health and the divine wants me doing what I’m doing.
Also, because I felt pressed for time, I feel like I half-assed my Artist’s Date, even if the result was a nice blue dress I look adorable in.
So, on to the check-in:
1. 7 out of 7 pages. Mike’s even started planning our days around giving me time to do them. I didn’t really use them to find ways to create luxury – I used them more to examine where my sense of scarcity comes from, and I was unsurprised to discover most of it rests in my issues with my body, health and self-image.
2. I did do my artist’s date, but I feel very guilty that it wound up being clothes shopping. Given that I’m a fashion blogger and I love clothing, it makes perfect sense but I feel like I was somehow cheating. This makes no sense – fashion IS luxury, especially since decent clothing was something I was denied as a kid. Gee, more foibles and digging deeper right here right now. I think it comes from family attitudes/accusations that fashion is shallow. Fashion can be shallow, but mostly it’s not. Fashion is actually a highly complex way of presenting power and social status, and manipulating other’s perceptions accordingly. Personally, I think my family just didn’t get it and that they still don’t, but rather than just admit that, I was made to feel guilty about something I have a real passion for.
It’s mini-Me syndrome, and part of why I spend a lot of time informing people “I am NOT your mirror.”
3. The Goodwill incident was very synchronous, especially since that night I did a full moon ritual with Joel where I was informed “here’s what you’re writing.” Urban Wicca. This will be entertaining, reviled…and worth it. I’ve been increasingly alienated from other neopagans because of what I see as a lot of circular exploration – no one around me really seems to develop, they just loop-de-loop on the same shit over and over again. So now I’m off to commit heresy, just to see if it gooses any forward motion.
The In Plain Sight episode, Don of the Dead, was also highly resonant with me. It used my until-now least favorite character to talk about abandoning dreams and giving up when you realize you’re just not good enough. The end response from the character? “I’m good enough!” This was highly resonant for me.
4. As to my development – exercise and food are very much scarcity/creative block issues for me, and I may need some extra help working them out. I don’t think that traditional diet programs are the way to go; their very psyche offends me because I’m not really seeking acceptance. But along with getting into way more exercise classes (water aerobics, yoga, bellydance, and maybe if I can scrape up the cash, Aikido) I may seek out a counselor with a specialty in eating disorders. My health is not in danger because of my weight, but my weight is a symptom of deep-seated psychological issues and I’d like them resolved, soon. I don’t want to keep carrying the weight of my problems, I’d like to get it down to the weight of my body.
